even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Randomize
