just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
