I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
