is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
