life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
