Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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