just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
