Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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