He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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