i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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