she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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