So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
