A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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