it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
