I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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