i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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