Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
