I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
