I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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