im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
