Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
