when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
