no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
