A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
