Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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