Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
