please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
