I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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