Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
When did angry sex become our thing?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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