my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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