Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i love accidental penises.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
