My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
