do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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