i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
