Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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