did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
