if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You're like the curious george of whores
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
