i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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