I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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