the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
