and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
