I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
