Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
