if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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