last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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