How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
