i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
