can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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