You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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