I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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